What I Wrote

After contemplating, I have decided to share a letter I sent in the leadup to press breaking (I have redacted the names of individuals who were referenced). In light of current developments and my need to put parts of this behind me, I want people to feel confident in knowing that there were so many opportunities given for dialogue and to resolve the situation. I sought help anywhere I could think people might have influence, and also sought to try to do preemptive damage control. I believe eventually more will surface, it already has begun to, and in the interim must accept that as I knew all along, a thousand dirty tactics would be deployed to discredit and distract.

My “sin” is and always this: I am blunt and honest, and don’t feel incentivized to be quiet about wrongdoing. Quiet is always emphasized and expected from those harmed. The “damage” to a cause or organization is almost always viewed through the lens of how we, as affected people, have revealed the problems, and not what has actually been revealed. Could I have handled things better at some points? Probably. But that pressure should not have been on me. These things shouldn’t have happened, and they shouldn’t have been ignored. I refuse to have myself compared to those who have inflicted harm and/or covered such things up.

The advocacy journey may look different in the future, but I’ve always been, and will continue to be, an advocate.

The full text is here:

Very soon you will read comments that I made on the record regarding ( redacted) and my experiences.

Having had more time to process all that has unfolded over the past few years, I understand the realities that things were never as they seemed, and the decision to come forward with things which will humiliate me in the public eye was part of my conviction that I must try to ensure that there is no ongoing harm or potential for harm occurring. I understand now that from the beginning I was just a tool in a game, a competition that was being waged among Uyghur leadership, and now I’m a victim of that game. My speaking out has been mentally and emotionally traumatizing, but it’s also part of my attempts to make it right since there were several situations in which I vouched for you having myself been misled. I find your behavior to undermine other women who were offended by you unacceptable, and the extent to which you lied to me while continuing to attempt to make me believe that others had bad character is truly appalling.

I consider myself harmed by you, but that was not my motivation in being willing to speak. To be honest, I’ve spent 8 months essentially staring down the barrel of a gun, confused about what happened and how I could be so misled for so long, how I could have allowed myself to believe negative things about other women who clearly were aware of problems, and wishing that there would be some semblance of repentance or move to reassure myself and others concerned that there will not be ongoing situations which place women at risk or cause them to withdraw from the movement/cause. What I have asked has been straightforward, and the response makes me feel that there are far worse problems than I initially thought.

I felt anguished many times, wanting to reach out and beg you not to make me do this as the only apparent option to ensure a safer environment for all. You’ve taught me many things, and this experience is my hardest life lesson to date: that women always pay the price for the sins and manipulations of men in power. The difference between myself and you, or myself and (name redacted), is that I’m willing to pay them if it means that even one woman will avoid a situation which may cause her suffering or harm. I don’t believe that it’s doing this cause, or even you yourself, a favor to treat you as untouchable when your actions have caused harm. I’m truly alarmed by what I didn’t know. You know how you lied to me and manipulated me over these things and how you attacked the reputations of others. In the past, I wanted to believe this was because you were anxious to make me see the good in you, but I don’t think this is really what it was about.

I contacted (info redacted — affected woman) not because I wanted to inflict suffering, but because as a woman, I understand the pain and confusion of having an instinct about something, and being subjected to constant gaslighting over it. I know she knew things, and I wanted to remove the torment of doubt. I also needed to be blunt in my own assessment, and it was my right to do so. I hope you both can find healing.

I know that you are aware that taking this step to speak out has and will continue to expose me to additional scrutiny, scorn, and even hostility that may very well end my career prospects in this field or even more broadly, in D.C. I’ve struggled with two young children as a single mother while (redacted) refuses to honor their verbal agreements and organizational mandate, and I’ve watched as you have aligned yourself in order to undermine my concerns.

It’s incredibly unjust that this is what the price of accountability is.

I cared deeply for you, and you used to have my utmost respect. I trusted your word many many times, and in the end it seems there was not a single thing that you were honest with me about. I think you know that my intentions were genuine, but you took advantage, played games with me, and in the end, used my vulnerabilities against me. You intentionally manipulated my viewpoint on other people, and now I am experiencing that myself as you attempt to warp others’ viewpoint of me.

I’ve spent considerable time trying to recover from the trauma that this experience has brought me. It has altered me as a person. The sweet, enthusiastic, giving person that I was has been crushed. But I genuinely hope that you find the self-reflection to recognize and turn from ways that are not in line with living a life of integrity. I think often of the conversation outside Pelosi’s office, when you articulated all the qualities of a good man to me. I was confused, even then, about why you wanted to reiterate them to me, a person that you clearly did not care much about. I suppose I still hope that this need to justify your character is a reflection that deep down, you know what you should, and could, be. I can’t say that I hope you find your way back to who you were, because who I thought you were was clearly a projection of something that didn’t exist, but I hope you find a new you.

There wasn’t a single thing you could have told me in the past that, when coupled with a repentant spirit, I wouldn’t have accepted and stood by you to address. But what I’ve seen is a person willing to use, sacrifice, and harm those around him in order to preserve what you view as yourself and your public identity. Power is a projection, and proximity to it doesn’t bring satisfaction in life. You will always want more, more, more. But there’s a better way.

I wish the you that I thought I knew existed. I hope you can become that person, not for anyone else, but for yourself. You are big enough to accept criticism, big enough to take responsibility, and strong enough to be better. I will be working to forgive you, but as you know, I won’t back down on insisting on a better, healthier environment for the human rights space.

Julie